When my husband and I found out we were expecting our first child, we assumed we would both continue working full-time after our child’s birth. At the time, we were mid-30s professionals laser-focused on our careers — his as a User Interface designer, and mine as a management consultant. We were climbing the corporate ladder, motivated by a desire to solve complex challenges in fast-paced environments.
After our son was born, I went on parental leave, fully expecting to return to work.
Those early days were extraordinarily tough… and even that is a huge understatement. We were extremely naive about child rearing. Admittedly, I imagined that I would spend my days snuggling with my little one, singing to him, and playing together throughout the day. The reality of being a first-time mom didn’t and doesn’t quite materialize this way.
In the early days and weeks, our son struggled with every feeding (breastfeeding and bottles of pumped milk and formula). And, not surprisingly, the poor kid cried throughout the night. Later I realized that lots of parents face challenges early on, but nonetheless it was extremely stressful for a first-time mom. After multiple visits to the pediatrician, lactation consultants, and an ENT specialist, we learned the underlying cause of the feeding challenges: tongue and lip ties. We had them revised immediately (our son was two months old), and things slowly started to improve.
Fast forward a few months, and my return to work was swiftly approaching. I looked forward to seeing my colleagues. My career had always been the priority, but I felt my priorities suddenly shifting. Securing the best care for my son, particularly given all of the challenges we faced, became my highest priority. I wasn’t prepared to leave him in the care of others when I knew how impactful parental care could be. My husband and I had some important discussions as we tried to figure out a game plan. We earned like salaries and were equally capable of caring for our child. We discussed options, and agreed that having one parent care for our son was preferred. Ultimately, we decided I would care for our child full-time while my husband continued his career full-time. We felt this option would maximize benefits to our son, as I am bilingual, able to nurse him during the day, and able to continue building our parent/child bond.
While my career goals, aspirations, and ambitions remain strong, I am enjoying this new chapter in life. I hope I’ll be able to smoothly transition back to full-time work when the timing is right.
I have friends who chose a variety of paths when they became parents: some continued working full-time and placed children in day care or hired nannies, some were able to secure flexible or part-time work arrangements for one or both parents, and some chose for one parent stay with the kids (either mom or dad, depending on what worked best for the family). While I am grateful that my husband and I were able select a path that worked for our family, I realize not all parents have the privilege to choose. There are many homes, two-parent or single-parent, where parents are unable to afford child care or where parents must work full-time. So, when I wind up with poop on my clothes or my son throws dirt into my mouth, I remind myself of how lucky we are for having a choice (well, first I cry a little, then I laugh, and then I reflect on my gratitude).
For those trying to balance parenting and careers, I hope my key learnings/findings are helpful:
1. Discuss/assess priorities (i.e. personal and professional aspirations, financial goals and/or needs, retirement, etc.)
2. Discuss how you will meet your priority in #1. For example, can more flexibility be achieved without a departure from the workforce (like fewer hours, working remotely, or freelancing)? Do any family members live locally that can help care for your child?
3. Select the option best-suited for your family
4. Be flexible and keep an eye on the future! You never know what is around the corner.
If you are currently creating a plan to balance parenting and careers, I’d love to hear your thoughts and comments.